“be patient with me” -Destiny

i have yet to unlock that part of me,

it’s wrapped up in cherry blossoms and

locks whose passwords belong to destiny

and divine timing.

my heart shutters with pride

when i feel the charms rattle within me

but i can never get hold of them.

i go digging for them at night,

when i am not anything but delusional and

determined to scoop the parts of me that

make this all matter.

i have to be patient,

i have to be still,

i have to realize that the sparks in my bones

have kept me running,

that is their only job for now.

the devil’s nectar

i like your lips,

don’t kiss my hips,

don’t get too comfortable.

i like the way,

you say my name,

but i know it’s a mouthful.

you’re not finding love,

you’re hooked on a rush,

don’t worry i feel the same.

we don’t need ties,

no lingering goodbyes,

but i like my men with the rain.

we both know what we need,

yet we silently bleed under the sheets,

can’t get enough of whatever this is.

you tell me how much you want me,

i tell you you’re the very air i breathe,

is this how we want to live?

it’s how i want to be in this moment,

you tell me i remind you of a lotus,

i crack a shallow smile.

if this isn’t love, it’s selfish

and i guess i don’t care if it’s hellish,

i’ll be in your arms for awhile.

you shower me with attention,

and oh did i mention?

it makes me levitate.

i don’t admit that i need you,

i know that can’t be true,

but maybe it is in this broken state…

When the waves come

I can’t get you out of my mind except

That I can

but I never want to.

i was compelled to miss you

you made me want to miss you today.

the words you said demanded me to

forgive you and wrap myself around your finger

once again

but,

i did not beckon to your call.

i did not even glance your way.

your words are thin air and

they do not fill me up anymore

and they never will.

i was compelled to miss you today

but i gripped my heart close to my chest

and walked away

head held high

grace swarming my every step.

you tried to turn me into a pillar of salt

but i’ve learned where my true treasures are

and they are not

in your arms.

Which Will I Choose Today?

I wake up this morning,

Conflict already warring,

Which side shall I choose today?

I want peace,

I want acceptance,

I want happiness,

I want his affection,

But which shall I chase today?

I can’t stay in the middle,

With this double mind,

I know I must choose where to draw the line,

Will I fall for this world or

Believe his word,

Tell me…

Which will I choose today?

the foolish girl has grown wings

i know i am foolish.

only a foolish girl allows her thoughts to caress

memories that are forbidden.

only she longs for the boy that hurt her when it’s

2 a.m and she needs saving.

she is foolish, yes,

but she is also strong.

though she allows herself to miss him when she feels most vulnerable,

she reminds herself that she is a queen in armor.

she tells her spirit to rise when it has been free-falling from the memory

of his lips and grip.

 

these nights in the pit are trying

but

she knows those nights don’t last long,

that the torrent of thoughts are only the waves of lonely

that sneak up on her like a well-acquainted ghost.

she thought he taught her how to get rid of them,

but she’s realized that it is only her that can cast those demons away

and

that

is why this foolish girl has grown wings.

was it real?

just tell me one thing

because i need to know:

was it ever real?

every beautiful word and lovely stare,

was it real?

every time you said you wanted me,

every time you pondered my existence,

every time you told me i was beautiful,

was it real?

when we kissed,

was it real?

or did you want what i didn’t even have for myself?

you wanted my gentleness,

my peace (what was left of it),

my kindness,

my heart that couldn’t say no to a broken spirit.

and in that case,

did you get it?

are you happy now?

was making me fall for you

worth it?

---

I don’t want to know the answers.

a daily battle

i want to know who i am

in Christ

and

i no longer want to listen to the opinions of the

one who wants to kill, steal, and destroy

everything i have.

he tells me that i should

go back,

go back,

go back.

everyday, i scream or whisper

no,

no,

no.

it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do

but i have never been so proud of myself.

can you?

can you like who you are with

someone

but not like who you are?

welcome…

once i realized i couldn’t be

you or you

or you or you,

i was left with me,

a type of lonely i wasn’t acquainted with,

a type of alone i had to learn to love.

i despised it at first,

my jealous eyes scavaged the sea

for something i could replicate

in order to feel whole.

but each time i sent the line out,

i reeled it back to find my hands empty.

void.

that is what i felt,

when i had to be by myself.

but soon,

almost painfully,

i accepted my own solitude,

and soon,

not so painfully,

i embraced who i found.