can you?

can you like who you are with

someone

but not like who you are?

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welcome…

once i realized i couldn’t be

you or you

or you or you,

i was left with me,

a type of lonely i wasn’t acquainted with,

a type of alone i had to learn to love.

i despised it at first,

my jealous eyes scavaged the sea

for something i could replicate

in order to feel whole.

but each time i sent the line out,

i reeled it back to find my hands empty.

void.

that is what i felt,

when i had to be by myself.

but soon,

almost painfully,

i accepted my own solitude,

and soon,

not so painfully,

i embraced who i found.

a mix of rain and tears

i didn’t know it would hurt so much.

a lot of my hurt came from knowing i was hurting him.

i wrapped him in my arms and sobbed in his chest

but his cries were the only ones i heard.

it was ironic that it was raining,

i felt like the real floodgates were

the words being softly exchanged between the two of us.

he knew

one finger

then another

then one more.

i counted the number of fingers it took for him to close his fist,

for him to take his hand from mine.

i felt his grip loosen once my words left my tongue and entered his blood stream,

they tasted bitter,

i no longer felt sweet,

he let go.

my heart broke a little bit

when i realized

he knew.

he knew.

it was really over.

guessing game

my complexity as a person has always, unfortunately, left me speechless–

or rather,

incapable of conjuring up the correct word to express the totality of

the vast reaches of my humanity.

and with age,

it has only become a frustrating guessing game of which word will sum me up in that sliver of a moment.

pieces of you

i find myself doing what he does

because it reminds me of when his arms were around me,

and his fingers were interlocked with mine.

i cannot refrain from mimicking the small beauties of his ways,

they are a part of me now,

a part of me i don’t ever want to lose.

i find myself laughing like he does,

asking like he does,

and it’s as comforting as a drawn out hug of his,

the one where i wrap my arms around to the small of his back and

press my face to his chest and feel his heart beat.

i find myself wanting to be where he is,

but i can’t be too selfish with his time and presence so i keep his

ways wrapped up in mine and i’ve found that it keeps him close.