i wear you on my sleeve,
because you are all of my emotions
i’ve told you to leave,
but you just won’t listen.
but i wouldn’t want you to either,
you make me feel alive.
alive in a way that haunts me at night.
when i can’t sleep until i’ve thought of you at least a billion times.
truly, these feelings should not be crawling in my brain.
but they are.
you make me vulnerable,
i can’t even function like a normal human being when you’re around.
it’s out of my control,
my eyes draw circles around your lips and i have to look away because i forget how long i’ve been staring.
you make my mind mush
and that’s okay.
i don’t know what to tell you,
only that you’ve been looking in the wrong places.
and when i want to give up,
i think of where i want to be.
i visualize victory and joy and peace
take a breath.
i want to be better.
i want more than this.
so i continue to amad,
and stand firm and still.
i’m not giving up this time,
no, not until i see the finish line.
i don’t understand how some people
do not feel as deeply as i.
every infliction, fluctuation, nervous touch upon my heart,
seeps into my being and is circulated throughout my veins.
this is not what pathetic looks like.
this is not what weak looks like.
this is what a burning heart looks like
and how lungs filled with crisp, piercing air inhale
and then exhale.
this is life.
i am so alive.
sometimes i find myself wishing
my coffee was alcohol.
“i silently read
i silently write.”
what an internal juxtaposition.
in all that silence, there is a billowing cry.
can you hear it?