umoving

i can’t see clearly right now,

my heads a blur that is not giving my heart any heads up,

and now my heart has fallen into a pit without warning. 

i am not myself,

more like a “stuck in time” version of me,

i am frozen in my fear,

unmoving.

there’s a bulldozer headed my way, they call it dangerous and destructive,

i’ve embraced the scare.

though i’m still scared. 

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i don’t know

“my heart is beating fast,” a statement.

“why?” an impossible question.

i could try explaining.

first, i’ll say because i was nervous.

“wait, no,” i’ll hesitate and furrow my brows, looking for a more accurate word.

then,

i’ll correct myself, a moment of triumph as i slurp back the word hanging from the tip of my tongue.

but somehow, in the swirl of my mind,

i’ll feel as if i only gave you a glimpse into the depth of that emotion.

i wasn’t just a synonym for nervous,

i was also hesitant

and oddly excited

and overwhelmed

and… and,

and.

if i knew the words, i’d tell you.

so i’ll make it simple,

“my heart is beating fast,” a statement.

“why?” an impossible question.


“i don’t know,”

the most unsatisfying confession.

 

it’s time to heal.

i need to stop reading

some of my poetry because

what people don’t understand is that the words

typed or written on those pieces of paper

have the power to transport you

back to those moments that you just

want to forget about

or heal from.

im holding onto you

i’ve been all over the place ever since you walked into my life 

and a part of me is screaming for me to let go of all of this,

and crawl my way back to safe solitude.

but another part of me, which is usually shy and quiet,

is telling me

loud and clear

to hold on and see where these places take me.

this. 

this,

i cannot express in words.

just that my whole body is on fire and my heart is not just racing,

not just pounding,

gosh i can’t find the right description, if there are any?

there are no words to encapsulate how i’m feeling right now.

i’m amazed…

how did he manage to make a writer like me go numb in the tongue?