i wear you on my sleeves

i wear you on my sleeve, 

because you are all of my emotions

in one.

i’ve told you to leave,

but you just won’t listen.

but i wouldn’t want you to either,

you make me feel alive.

alive in a way that haunts me at night.

when i can’t sleep until i’ve thought of you at least a billion times.

truly, these feelings should not be crawling in my brain.

but they are.

i am so alive

i don’t understand how some people

do not feel as deeply as i.

every infliction, fluctuation, nervous touch upon my heart,

seeps into my being and is circulated throughout my veins.

this is not what pathetic looks like.

this is not what weak looks like.

this is what a burning heart looks like

and how lungs filled with crisp, piercing air inhale 

and then exhale.

this is life.

deep,

true,

horribly beautiful,

frightening and

raw life.

i am so alive.

#nottodaysatan

my feelings keep whining in my ear,

whispering things that i don’t wanna hear,

branding their curse onto my shoulders,

a heavy weight like a ton of boulders.

my heart wrenches forward in an attempt to escape the torment,

but the waging war won’t give my heart and mind a moment.

continuous beatings,

i’m bruised all over,

my skin was warm,

but it’s getting colder.

the voice of truth can get drained out by the rain,

i try to yell and thrash against my brain,

but the pain…

it has adopted my name.

Mama Said 

she told me to “let it out,”

“it’s okay to cry,” she adds.

all these years, i held it in.

all of it.

a great big ocean swam inside my eyes,

churned and spun in my stomach,

mixing with ugly truth and resentment.

so i let it out.

and it was ugly at first.

my sobs took over my body,

turbulent 

and 

true.

but then,

it was beautiful.

now i understand why a rainbow paints the sky after a dreadful storm.

a smile crept up on me and the pain floated                a w a y.

“boys will be boys”

i always walk swiftly passed your

watchful eyes.

i can’t stand to be evaluated by those

puny pupils.

darting between my face and my body, something tells me you’re not interested in my intellect.

you never speak,

you just watch and then continue with whatever had your attention before i walked swiftly by.

i remember your face,

disinterest. burn.