family tree// you just be

family tree

bark resembling something like

a strip tease

peel it back

and reveal the

bad memories

leaving you to drown with your enemies,

you can’t see,

love drowning out your ability

to keep yourself afloat,

better not rock that boat,

you’ll hit rock bottom

suffocating on second-hand smoke,

thought you could save them all,

you’re caught in deaths choke hold

eyes set like flint

grasping at your beloved fools gold.

growing out of optimism

like the suns gone too cold,

like you’ve grown too old,

don’t you know hearts fold, too?

like even if the sky is blue

don’t mean your minds afresh and new,

don’t mean today is better than yesterday,

but don’t think this faith stuff is a ruse,

it’s all true

my dear.

my dear,

the fear that held your lungs in chains,

making sure you stayed afraid

of the dark that consumed your brain,

can no longer retrieve your name.

the roots of your past

have broken your glass

ceiling

breaching

systems that were meant to disrupt your healing

and rob your peace

but don’t shake,

don’t fall into pieces

because all you needed was Jesus,

all you still need is Jesus.

don’t fret

don’t hurt

don’t twist

don’t turn

take a breath as you take a knee.

keep still

it’ll burn us

he’s there

in the furnace

send a prayer up as you fall asleep.

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“be patient with me” -Destiny

i have yet to unlock that part of me,

it’s wrapped up in cherry blossoms and

locks whose passwords belong to destiny

and divine timing.

my heart shutters with pride

when i feel the charms rattle within me

but i can never get hold of them.

i go digging for them at night,

when i am not anything but delusional and

determined to scoop the parts of me that

make this all matter.

i have to be patient,

i have to be still,

i have to realize that the sparks in my bones

have kept me running,

that is their only job for now.

the devil’s nectar

0603291816471light_lotus-2______m

i like your lips,

don’t kiss my hips,

don’t get too comfortable.

i like the way,

you say my name,

but i know it’s a mouthful.

you’re not finding love,

you’re hooked on a rush,

don’t worry i feel the same.

we don’t need ties,

no lingering goodbyes,

but i like my men with the rain.

we both know what we need,

yet we silently bleed under the sheets,

can’t get enough of whatever this is.

you tell me how much you want me,

i tell you you’re the very air i breathe,

is this how we want to live?

it’s how i want to be in this moment,

you tell me i remind you of a lotus,

i crack a shallow smile.

if this isn’t love, it’s selfish

and i guess i don’t care if it’s hellish,

i’ll be in your arms for awhile.

you shower me with attention,

and oh did i mention?

it makes me levitate.

i don’t admit that i need you,

i know that can’t be true,

but maybe it is in this broken state…

Why?

Why

Do we teach our boys how to roar and our girls how to run from thunder?

Why

Do we tell our boys to “man up” and our girls to duck for cover?

Why

Do we let our girls cry in our arms until they’ve run dry and tell our boys to wipe their face?

Why

Do we pressure our boys to fight and tell our girls to go inside and play?

Why

Do we call our boys the protector and tell our girls they are the damsel in distress?

Why

Do we tell our girls that they’re not strong enough but tell our boys they must puff out their chest?

Why

Are our girls in need of saving when our boys are incapable of filling them up?

Why

Do we tell our boys to conceal their true emotions but let our girls blindly crave their love?

Tell me why.

Dusk Not Dawn

I rose to you like you were

My sun— savior and source.

When I kissed you,

I was licking my wounds

But breaking my heart.

My name in your mouth

Was a symphony of beauty

That left sirens blaring in my mind;

They never shut off.

I should have known to stop

When you peeled back my layers

And went digging for fossilized pain.

I should have known

To protect myself but I was busy protecting you from your demons,

Pleading for them to devour me instead.

I should have known that the

Fruits I harvested came from

The forbidden tree.

Yet, I took a bite.

But I wanted you

More than I wanted sanity,

I wanted you more than I

Wanted peace,

Because

Maybe I deserved

Broken love

From a broken boy,

Maybe that was supposed to be good enough.

I though I was well-fed

But I was starving for the things I felt too selfish to ask for.

I put you first

But you made me last.

Which Will I Choose Today?

I wake up this morning,

Conflict already warring,

Which side shall I choose today?

I want peace,

I want acceptance,

I want happiness,

I want his affection,

But which shall I chase today?

I can’t stay in the middle,

With this double mind,

I know I must choose where to draw the line,

Will I fall for this world or

Believe his word,

Tell me…

Which will I choose today?

I keep bleeding

I’m so tired

Of bleeding your name onto these pages,

Thick with ink.

You’ve left me on a cliff,

Hanging onto every word you say just in case you realize

You can’t possibly live without me.

But those words only come in drizzles,

Never satisfying the roots of my longing

And I am always left malnourished and sad.

It’s frustrating,

How I have no control over this pen once it remembers your name,

It’s like I lose myself when I remember you and

It’s a long tread back to earth.

the foolish girl has grown wings

i know i am foolish.

only a foolish girl allows her thoughts to caress

memories that are forbidden.

only she longs for the boy that hurt her when it’s

2 a.m and she needs saving.

she is foolish, yes,

but she is also strong.

though she allows herself to miss him when she feels most vulnerable,

she reminds herself that she is a queen in armor.

she tells her spirit to rise when it has been free-falling from the memory

of his lips and grip.

 

these nights in the pit are trying

but

she knows those nights don’t last long,

that the torrent of thoughts are only the waves of lonely

that sneak up on her like a well-acquainted ghost.

she thought he taught her how to get rid of them,

but she’s realized that it is only her that can cast those demons away

and

that

is why this foolish girl has grown wings.

was it real?

just tell me one thing

because i need to know:

was it ever real?

every beautiful word and lovely stare,

was it real?

every time you said you wanted me,

every time you pondered my existence,

every time you told me i was beautiful,

was it real?

when we kissed,

was it real?

or did you want what i didn’t even have for myself?

you wanted my gentleness,

my peace (what was left of it),

my kindness,

my heart that couldn’t say no to a broken spirit.

and in that case,

did you get it?

are you happy now?

was making me fall for you

worth it?


I don’t want to know the answers.

I hate thinking of you

sometimes,

when i am most vulnerable and

i feel the ache of who i remembered you to be crawl back into my mind,

i think of your lips

and your words

and your warmth.

and i regret these thoughts as soon as i allow them to linger and deepen

but

sometimes,

when i stay up too late,

I hate that you ever had a seat in my heart,

you never deserved it.