to every ache that rattled my veins:
i should not have let you steal from me,
i should not have let you dig your hands into my soul.
thank you for showing me that i am strong.
because of you,
i have learned how to fall on my knees and pray.
you meant to drown me,
but i was already drowning in Gods grace.
thank you for pointing me to my savior.
the flower bent
beneath the wind and tears
fell from its stem,
it didn’t know it then
but those silver drops were
what lifted its spine
and stretched its yellow palms
to the sky.
i’ve been all over the place ever since you walked into my life
and a part of me is screaming for me to let go of all of this,
and crawl my way back to safe solitude.
but another part of me, which is usually shy and quiet,
is telling me
loud and clear
to hold on and see where these places take me.
i see things you can’t see,
and i wonder why i’m here in the first place.
nothing to truly take in and ponder,
only mouths speaking somewhat of a different language and heads bobbing up and down to each other.
i don’t belong here.
and i think they see it.
or maybe they don’t care to see me,
but they make sure i see them.
in their hands, they hold trinkets and talk about gold cars and places,
in my hands i hold dust and dirt and make them dance in the wind of my imagination.
i am here
and that’s okay,
because i am allowed
to take up space.
i breathe out.
and when i want to give up,
i think of where i want to be.
i visualize victory and joy and peace
take a breath.
i want to be better.
i want more than this.
so i continue to amad,
and stand firm and still.
i’m not giving up this time,
no, not until i see the finish line.
she told me to “let it out,”
“it’s okay to cry,” she adds.
all these years, i held it in.
all of it.
a great big ocean swam inside my eyes,
churned and spun in my stomach,
mixing with ugly truth and resentment.
so i let it out.
and it was ugly at first.
my sobs took over my body,
it was beautiful.
now i understand why a rainbow paints the sky after a dreadful storm.
a smile crept up on me and the pain floated a w a y.