i’ve been all over the place ever since you walked into my life
and a part of me is screaming for me to let go of all of this,
and crawl my way back to safe solitude.
but another part of me, which is usually shy and quiet,
is telling me
loud and clear
to hold on and see where these places take me.
i see things you can’t see,
and i wonder why i’m here in the first place.
nothing to truly take in and ponder,
only mouths speaking somewhat of a different language and heads bobbing up and down to each other.
i don’t belong here.
and i think they see it.
or maybe they don’t care to see me,
but they make sure i see them.
in their hands, they hold trinkets and talk about gold cars and places,
in my hands i hold dust and dirt and make them dance in the wind of my imagination.
i am here
and that’s okay,
because i am allowed
to take up space.
i breathe out.
and when i want to give up,
i think of where i want to be.
i visualize victory and joy and peace
take a breath.
i want to be better.
i want more than this.
so i continue to amad,
and stand firm and still.
i’m not giving up this time,
no, not until i see the finish line.
she told me to “let it out,”
“it’s okay to cry,” she adds.
all these years, i held it in.
all of it.
a great big ocean swam inside my eyes,
churned and spun in my stomach,
mixing with ugly truth and resentment.
so i let it out.
and it was ugly at first.
my sobs took over my body,
it was beautiful.
now i understand why a rainbow paints the sky after a dreadful storm.
a smile crept up on me and the pain floated a w a y.
it is my responsibility to teach
my parents what their parents
neglected to tell them or didn’t know themselves.
how much i have changed.
my covers are clean and sparkle
under the bright lights shining down on me.
and i smile when i go off to sleep
because i know in the morning who i will meet,
so i grab hold of life and air
and roll off the bed with effortless grace.
so much grace,
draped down on me but held light and tender on my shoulders.
what was dirty
is now white as snow.
white as snow.
nowhere to hide because daybreak is no longer a curtain
and there is no theater or seats or dreadful laughter.
night is light and no longer is there a struggle with
hands to my throat
and grave whispers in my ear.
it is unbelievable
how i have changed,
those voices have come to adore me.