Which Will I Choose Today?

I wake up this morning,

Conflict already warring,

Which side shall I choose today?

I want peace,

I want acceptance,

I want happiness,

I want his affection,

But which shall I chase today?

I can’t stay in the middle,

With this double mind,

I know I must choose where to draw the line,

Will I fall for this world or

Believe his word,

Tell me…

Which will I choose today?

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Moving on

I do not regret the feelings we shared,

Only the person I shared them with.

Next time,

I will be more careful.


I don’t miss you anymore.

I keep bleeding

I’m so tired

Of bleeding your name onto these pages,

Thick with ink.

You’ve left me on a cliff,

Hanging onto every word you say just in case you realize

You can’t possibly live without me.

But those words only come in drizzles,

Never satisfying the roots of my longing

And I am always left malnourished and sad.

It’s frustrating,

How I have no control over this pen once it remembers your name,

It’s like I lose myself when I remember you and

It’s a long tread back to earth.

the foolish girl has grown wings

i know i am foolish.

only a foolish girl allows her thoughts to caress

memories that are forbidden.

only she longs for the boy that hurt her when it’s

2 a.m and she needs saving.

she is foolish, yes,

but she is also strong.

though she allows herself to miss him when she feels most vulnerable,

she reminds herself that she is a queen in armor.

she tells her spirit to rise when it has been free-falling from the memory

of his lips and grip.

 

these nights in the pit are trying

but

she knows those nights don’t last long,

that the torrent of thoughts are only the waves of lonely

that sneak up on her like a well-acquainted ghost.

she thought he taught her how to get rid of them,

but she’s realized that it is only her that can cast those demons away

and

that

is why this foolish girl has grown wings.

was it real?

just tell me one thing

because i need to know:

was it ever real?

every beautiful word and lovely stare,

was it real?

every time you said you wanted me,

every time you pondered my existence,

every time you told me i was beautiful,

was it real?

when we kissed,

was it real?

or did you want what i didn’t even have for myself?

you wanted my gentleness,

my peace (what was left of it),

my kindness,

my heart that couldn’t say no to a broken spirit.

and in that case,

did you get it?

are you happy now?

was making me fall for you

worth it?


I don’t want to know the answers.

a daily battle

i want to know who i am

in Christ

and

i no longer want to listen to the opinions of the

one who wants to kill, steal, and destroy

everything i have.

he tells me that i should

go back,

go back,

go back.

everyday, i scream or whisper

no,

no,

no.

it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do

but i have never been so proud of myself.