this is the climb

and when i want to give up,

i think of where i want to be.

i visualize victory and joy and peace

and

take a breath.

i want to be better.

i want more than this.

so i continue to amad,

and stand firm and still.

i’m not giving up this time,

no, not until i see the finish line.

 

 

red light (green light)

being still makes me feel safe.

as if movement is enough to freshly shatter the broken pieces that have been healing.

it is when i must move

left

right

left

right,

that i fear i will slip

and fall.

it’s the fall that hurts,

bruises,

and scars.

if i stay still,

maybe i’ll save myself from it all,

or maybe fear has just convinced me that the place that i am in is 

“safe and sound,”

but really,

i could be sitting on land waiting to crumble. 

it begins.

It begins when the sun gets low,

And the clouds get dark,

And the night grows still.

It begins when the lights shut off,

And the people go home,

And the party comes to an end.

It begins when you arrive back home,

Crawl into bed,

But must put on a show to fall asleep.

It begins when you check your phone once,

Then twice,

Then roll over and see bright flickering lights from the TV.

It begins when you find your room empty.

Void of sound,

Void of shuffling paper,

Void of annoying siblings,

Void of grumbling parents irritated with your messy room.

That’s when it hits.

The thought that has been lining the back of your skull,

Lingering in places of memory and suppression,

Slowly crawls to clarity,

Horribly clarity.

You take it down like bitter, cherry medicine.

Side effects: nausea, pain, hallucinations, drowsiness.

Nausea: the churning of your stomach from all the drinks.

Pain: the internal chewing and spitting up of your bones.

Hallucinations: your mind is the devil’s playground.

Drowsiness: a tear rolls… go to sleep.

Sleep soundly,

Your head will be pounding in the morning.

Unbelievable

unbelievable

how much i have changed.

my covers are clean and sparkle

under the bright lights shining down on me.

and i smile when i go off to sleep

because i know in the morning who i will meet,

so i grab hold of life and air

and roll off the bed with effortless grace.

so much grace,

draped down on me but held light and tender on my shoulders.

what was dirty

and mucky

and horrible

and stunk,

is now white as snow.

white as snow.

nowhere to hide because daybreak is no longer a curtain

and there is no theater or seats or dreadful laughter.

night is light and no longer is there a struggle with

hands to my throat

and grave whispers in my ear.

it is unbelievable

how i have changed,

those voices have come to adore me.

 

 

My God

My God.

You have seen this flesh through.

When it consumed me,

When it bled alongside you on the cross,

In your arms, I was wrapped,

Tucked away until I was complete,

And plucked from the edge of

Death.

I almost plummeted but,

You gave me wings,

So now I soar and I’m whole,

And it’s just because of you,

My God.