uncertain 

i don’t know whether to trust myself

or trust the words coming out of your mouth

because at least you have this all figured out. 

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blame game

hanging on to a thread 

that i created,

lowering myself into the pits

that i lit the fire to.

it’s a game of how much damage

i can cause and how much blame 

i’ll take for it.

the kind robber 

he wants to know what’s behind the door of my most caged in thoughts,

sound the alarm!

he’s gotten in.

my heart is no longer a secure vault,

it’s security system has been temporarily disarmed,

and i allow him to linger.

i don’t wish to keep those doors shut, 

instead, i want to be somewhat of an open book so he can take his time reading the drawn out tales and lullabies,

get to know me.

and i go crazy over the unraveling of our minds,

i crave his intellect and introspect just as much as he craves mine.

so i guess i can’t blame him for opening doors that have been sealed for ages,

he’s curious about what’s inside.

and i’m curious to know what he will think of what is left to salvage.

umoving

i can’t see clearly right now,

my heads a blur that is not giving my heart any heads up,

and now my heart has fallen into a pit without warning. 

i am not myself,

more like a “stuck in time” version of me,

i am frozen in my fear,

unmoving.

there’s a bulldozer headed my way, they call it dangerous and destructive,

i’ve embraced the scare.

though i’m still scared. 

i don’t know

“my heart is beating fast,” a statement.

“why?” an impossible question.

i could try explaining.

first, i’ll say because i was nervous.

“wait, no,” i’ll hesitate and furrow my brows, looking for a more accurate word.

then,

i’ll correct myself, a moment of triumph as i slurp back the word hanging from the tip of my tongue.

but somehow, in the swirl of my mind,

i’ll feel as if i only gave you a glimpse into the depth of that emotion.

i wasn’t just a synonym for nervous,

i was also hesitant

and oddly excited

and overwhelmed

and… and,

and.

if i knew the words, i’d tell you.

so i’ll make it simple,

“my heart is beating fast,” a statement.

“why?” an impossible question.


“i don’t know,”

the most unsatisfying confession.