up close & personal

he’s taken my metaphors and similes and alliterations and

everything that has kept my heart concealed.

there’s no hiding around words or potent sentences anymore,

he’s up close and personal.

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the kind robber 

he wants to know what’s behind the door of my most caged in thoughts,

sound the alarm!

he’s gotten in.

my heart is no longer a secure vault,

it’s security system has been temporarily disarmed,

and i allow him to linger.

i don’t wish to keep those doors shut, 

instead, i want to be somewhat of an open book so he can take his time reading the drawn out tales and lullabies,

get to know me.

and i go crazy over the unraveling of our minds,

i crave his intellect and introspect just as much as he craves mine.

so i guess i can’t blame him for opening doors that have been sealed for ages,

he’s curious about what’s inside.

and i’m curious to know what he will think of what is left to salvage.

umoving

i can’t see clearly right now,

my heads a blur that is not giving my heart any heads up,

and now my heart has fallen into a pit without warning. 

i am not myself,

more like a “stuck in time” version of me,

i am frozen in my fear,

unmoving.

there’s a bulldozer headed my way, they call it dangerous and destructive,

i’ve embraced the scare.

though i’m still scared. 

i don’t know

“my heart is beating fast,” a statement.

“why?” an impossible question.

i could try explaining.

first, i’ll say because i was nervous.

“wait, no,” i’ll hesitate and furrow my brows, looking for a more accurate word.

then,

i’ll correct myself, a moment of triumph as i slurp back the word hanging from the tip of my tongue.

but somehow, in the swirl of my mind,

i’ll feel as if i only gave you a glimpse into the depth of that emotion.

i wasn’t just a synonym for nervous,

i was also hesitant

and oddly excited

and overwhelmed

and… and,

and.

if i knew the words, i’d tell you.

so i’ll make it simple,

“my heart is beating fast,” a statement.

“why?” an impossible question.


“i don’t know,”

the most unsatisfying confession.

 

im holding onto you

i’ve been all over the place ever since you walked into my life 

and a part of me is screaming for me to let go of all of this,

and crawl my way back to safe solitude.

but another part of me, which is usually shy and quiet,

is telling me

loud and clear

to hold on and see where these places take me.

alien

around me,

i see things you can’t see,

and i wonder why i’m here in the first place.

nothing to truly take in and ponder,

only mouths speaking somewhat of a different language and heads bobbing up and down to each other.

i don’t belong here.

and i think they see it.

or maybe they don’t care to see me,

but they make sure i see them.

in their hands, they hold trinkets and talk about gold cars and places,

in my hands i hold dust and dirt and make them dance in the wind of my imagination.

i am here

and that’s okay,

because i am allowed

to take up space. 

—–

i breathe out.