i wear you on my sleeve,
because you are all of my emotions
i’ve told you to leave,
but you just won’t listen.
but i wouldn’t want you to either,
you make me feel alive.
alive in a way that haunts me at night.
when i can’t sleep until i’ve thought of you at least a billion times.
truly, these feelings should not be crawling in my brain.
but they are.
and when i want to give up,
i think of where i want to be.
i visualize victory and joy and peace
take a breath.
i want to be better.
i want more than this.
so i continue to amad,
and stand firm and still.
i’m not giving up this time,
no, not until i see the finish line.
being still makes me feel safe.
as if movement is enough to freshly shatter the broken pieces that have been healing.
it is when i must move
that i fear i will slip
it’s the fall that hurts,
if i stay still,
maybe i’ll save myself from it all,
or maybe fear has just convinced me that the place that i am in is
“safe and sound,”
i could be sitting on land waiting to crumble.
i don’t understand how some people
do not feel as deeply as i.
every infliction, fluctuation, nervous touch upon my heart,
seeps into my being and is circulated throughout my veins.
this is not what pathetic looks like.
this is not what weak looks like.
this is what a burning heart looks like
and how lungs filled with crisp, piercing air inhale
and then exhale.
this is life.
i am so alive.
sometimes i find myself wishing
my coffee was alcohol.
“i silently read
i silently write.”
what an internal juxtaposition.
in all that silence, there is a billowing cry.
can you hear it?