Dusk Not Dawn

I rose to you like you were

My sun— savior and source.

When I kissed you,

I was licking my wounds

But breaking my heart.

My name in your mouth

Was a symphony of beauty

That left sirens blaring in my mind;

They never shut off.

I should have known to stop

When you peeled back my layers

And went digging for fossilized pain.

I should have known

To protect myself but I was busy protecting you from your demons,

Pleading for them to devour me instead.

I should have known that the

Fruits I harvested came from

The forbidden tree.

Yet, I took a bite.

But I wanted you

More than I wanted sanity,

I wanted you more than I

Wanted peace,

Because

Maybe I deserved

Broken love

From a broken boy,

Maybe that was supposed to be good enough.

I though I was well-fed

But I was starving for the things I felt too selfish to ask for.

I put you first

But you made me last.

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i was compelled to miss you

you made me want to miss you today.

the words you said demanded me to

forgive you and wrap myself around your finger

once again

but,

i did not beckon to your call.

i did not even glance your way.

your words are thin air and

they do not fill me up anymore

and they never will.

i was compelled to miss you today

but i gripped my heart close to my chest

and walked away

head held high

grace swarming my every step.

you tried to turn me into a pillar of salt

but i’ve learned where my true treasures are

and they are not

in your arms.

Which Will I Choose Today?

I wake up this morning,

Conflict already warring,

Which side shall I choose today?

I want peace,

I want acceptance,

I want happiness,

I want his affection,

But which shall I chase today?

I can’t stay in the middle,

With this double mind,

I know I must choose where to draw the line,

Will I fall for this world or

Believe his word,

Tell me…

Which will I choose today?

I keep bleeding

I’m so tired

Of bleeding your name onto these pages,

Thick with ink.

You’ve left me on a cliff,

Hanging onto every word you say just in case you realize

You can’t possibly live without me.

But those words only come in drizzles,

Never satisfying the roots of my longing

And I am always left malnourished and sad.

It’s frustrating,

How I have no control over this pen once it remembers your name,

It’s like I lose myself when I remember you and

It’s a long tread back to earth.

the foolish girl has grown wings

i know i am foolish.

only a foolish girl allows her thoughts to caress

memories that are forbidden.

only she longs for the boy that hurt her when it’s

2 a.m and she needs saving.

she is foolish, yes,

but she is also strong.

though she allows herself to miss him when she feels most vulnerable,

she reminds herself that she is a queen in armor.

she tells her spirit to rise when it has been free-falling from the memory

of his lips and grip.

 

these nights in the pit are trying

but

she knows those nights don’t last long,

that the torrent of thoughts are only the waves of lonely

that sneak up on her like a well-acquainted ghost.

she thought he taught her how to get rid of them,

but she’s realized that it is only her that can cast those demons away

and

that

is why this foolish girl has grown wings.

was it real?

just tell me one thing

because i need to know:

was it ever real?

every beautiful word and lovely stare,

was it real?

every time you said you wanted me,

every time you pondered my existence,

every time you told me i was beautiful,

was it real?

when we kissed,

was it real?

or did you want what i didn’t even have for myself?

you wanted my gentleness,

my peace (what was left of it),

my kindness,

my heart that couldn’t say no to a broken spirit.

and in that case,

did you get it?

are you happy now?

was making me fall for you

worth it?


I don’t want to know the answers.

I hate thinking of you

sometimes,

when i am most vulnerable and

i feel the ache of who i remembered you to be crawl back into my mind,

i think of your lips

and your words

and your warmth.

and i regret these thoughts as soon as i allow them to linger and deepen

but

sometimes,

when i stay up too late,

I hate that you ever had a seat in my heart,

you never deserved it.