i wear you on my sleeves

i wear you on my sleeve, 

because you are all of my emotions

in one.

i’ve told you to leave,

but you just won’t listen.

but i wouldn’t want you to either,

you make me feel alive.

alive in a way that haunts me at night.

when i can’t sleep until i’ve thought of you at least a billion times.

truly, these feelings should not be crawling in my brain.

but they are.

this is the climb

and when i want to give up,

i think of where i want to be.

i visualize victory and joy and peace

and

take a breath.

i want to be better.

i want more than this.

so i continue to amad,

and stand firm and still.

i’m not giving up this time,

no, not until i see the finish line.

 

 

red light (green light)

being still makes me feel safe.

as if movement is enough to freshly shatter the broken pieces that have been healing.

it is when i must move

left

right

left

right,

that i fear i will slip

and fall.

it’s the fall that hurts,

bruises,

and scars.

if i stay still,

maybe i’ll save myself from it all,

or maybe fear has just convinced me that the place that i am in is 

“safe and sound,”

but really,

i could be sitting on land waiting to crumble. 

i am so alive

i don’t understand how some people

do not feel as deeply as i.

every infliction, fluctuation, nervous touch upon my heart,

seeps into my being and is circulated throughout my veins.

this is not what pathetic looks like.

this is not what weak looks like.

this is what a burning heart looks like

and how lungs filled with crisp, piercing air inhale 

and then exhale.

this is life.

deep,

true,

horribly beautiful,

frightening and

raw life.

i am so alive.