lovely lies

it was my fault

for ever believing your

lies.

but man,

were they beautiful.

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i discovered

i wasn’t sculpted

nor molded for you.

i tried to contort myself into

the shape of your laugh

and love

and beauty but i found myself

unable to reach for it all.

it was not your fault

nor was it mine.

i catch myself thinking of a million ways it all could of worked out,

if only i could–

if only i was–

but i could not and

i was not

and that’s okay.

welcome…

once i realized i couldn’t be

you or you

or you or you,

i was left with me,

a type of lonely i wasn’t acquainted with,

a type of alone i had to learn to love.

i despised it at first,

my jealous eyes scavaged the sea

for something i could replicate

in order to feel whole.

but each time i sent the line out,

i reeled it back to find my hands empty.

void.

that is what i felt,

when i had to be by myself.

but soon,

almost painfully,

i accepted my own solitude,

and soon,

not so painfully,

i embraced who i found.

music in my head

you know those songs that linger with you throughout the day

because they meant something when you didn’t have the words to say it?

those are my favorite songs,

they are my voice.

reality is much nicer when i have this music in my head,

it’s much softer and understanding.